Happy Holidays!
Many of us are preparing our homes for out-of-town visitors this month. You may have purchased new linens for the guest rooms, steam cleaned the carpets, scrubbed and polished every corner... but don't forget to prepare for your Drunk Uncle. We all have one - or many.
I would like to offer a few tips for preparing your home for the drunken uncles and other alcoholic relatives that will be visiting. The most important thing to remember is that you love these people – well, most of them, because you are obligated to do so – so don’t get upset with them when they behave the way they always do. Just be prepared and try to have a sense of humor.
1. Remove All Alcohol from the House
Locking the liquor cabinet just won't do - you will need to remove all alcohol from your home (don’t forget the cough syrup and mouthwash). No, the attic, garage and car trunk are not going to work. Do you really think you can hide liquor from a drunk? And don’t even think about serving that beautiful red wine that you’ve been saving unless you don’t mind watching your drunken uncle “take it to the head.”
I remember the time I borrowed a bottle of gin from a friend for a dinner party. I actually thought I could hide it from my alcoholic father. I thought the back of my closed, behind a large stuffed animal, and wrapped in a winter blanket, in a box, was good enough. Nope, not for my clever dadaholic. Somehow his radar picked up the scent of the gin. A few weeks passed, and when I retrieved the bottle from its hiding place so that it could be returned; only a few shots remained. I only served 4 shots for the party... WTF happened to the ½ gallon of gin?
2. Protect Your Furniture
Cover the sofa and chairs - trust me, someone is going to pee or worse. Even if you have no liquor in the house, don't forget who you're dealing with... drunks. Drunks will show up drunk. Would you expect less?
There is nothing worse than finding urine or a feces stain on your brand new sofa. Or worse, let's say a beloved aunt makes a hand-made quilt for you and your alcoholic father decides to borrow it without asking. There is a reason no one likes to lend him valuable or cherished items... he pees and craps on them!
3. Hide the Knives and other Lethal Weapons
Do I really need to explain? No one likes an angry drunk and you don’t want blood on your favorite table cloth or the new carpet in the family room. Just to be safe, break out the fancy plastic utensils.
4. Warn Your Neighbors
This will be very embarrassing, but less embarrassing than to try to explain why your uncle took a crap on their lawn. Or why their dog is drunk because your dad shared his beer with the “poor furry bastard.”
It may not be too bad if the neighbor has their own drunken uncle, but if you live next to Mormons, Muslims or an Amish family, you may need to buy them ear plugs and gifts.
5. Have Plenty of Paper Towels on Hand – There Will be Vomit
One of the most ‘charming’ characteristics of an alcoholic is that they don’t know when to stop drinking. Even after peeing their pants, falling face first into the glass coffee table, or blacking out repeatedly during dinner, you country cousin will keep on drinking. There will be vomit….
6. The Most Important Thing to Remember – Maintain Your Sense of Humor
Life is short – enjoy your time with your loved ones, no matter how embarrassing, ignorant or rude they can be – you love these people. Not sure why, that’s just the way it is….
Please feel free to share your tips for preparing your home for drunken holiday visitors.
1 comment:
Sandra - This is the funniest most honest and brave account of what it's like to spend holidays with drunken family members.
I, too, have spent a few of them with some of my kin folk and it ain't pretty is it?
Thanks for the great advice, especially about continuing to love them, and please keep blogging. Who knew you were such a good writer??
Good luck this Christmas!
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